It's pretty funny how they're trying to be the next Magnolia Bakery.
I'm looking forward to the first health inspection results! And the puddles of vomit their beloved DRUNKS will leave on the floor. EV Heave, you still got your camera?
Consider this: That space was empty for over a year. over 1000 sq feet. maybe about 200 sq ft is devoted to retail/counter operation. biscuit's kitchen is... massive. So what is their master plan? the promise to their investors? To have a wholesale operation? Let it be clear: These premises are not zoned 'to make products to distribute city wide, and beyond'. This neighborhood is not zoned for a 24 hour food factory. Many people here have suggested Williamsburg would have been a better location for these, based on constituency. Williamsburg would have also provided premises where there is no potential violation to zoning laws, should there be plans for such an extension.
I'm glad for you that you didn't have the same experience as this guy a couple of days ago (http://www.yelp.com/biz/empire-biscuit-new-york):
"In short, the biscuits and the fried chicken were inedible. Most of our biscuits wound up in a city trashcan down the street.
"The biscuits had cardboard texture and disintegrated in our hands as we bit... making our mouths so dry it became difficult to swallow or have a conversation.
...I consider myself duty bound to report that the "spiced" fried chicken was disgusting. It was so dry that i could nearly crack the boneless breast in half. The exterior, more hockey puck than crispy, was so burnt that I felt as though I had licked the ash of a campfire."
But my favorite part of his review:
"It is utter gimmickry to seduce naive New Yorkers from areas other than "the South" into believing that these biscuits are worthy of any recognition (much less, consumption)."
The guys who own Empire Biscuit are independent entrepreneurs running their own business. They make biscuits. They got some press. What's so revolting to all of you about that idea?
It's a store that sells biscuits. That's it.
There's nothing offensive about that. And whether there are biscuits for sale all night on Avenue A or not, drunk people are still going to act ridiculously at night. This was going on well before the biscuits were around.
Nearly every new business in this neighborhood gets scapegoated for not being a dusty old bodega.
you biscuit boys (and their ladies) just need to grin and beard the fact that you've been called out on your media bs and hot air. Someone crying because you boys were close and run out of biscuits? People eating the biscuits off the floor after someone dropped it? Pics or vids or they didn't happen. What's next, the biscuits are heavenly, literally, made by the gods and angels? Insulting, that's what you boys are.
I like biscuits as much as the next person, but I can make them at home (ahem, like mac and cheese!) That place was packed on Sunday morning when we walked by... yo.
Just wondering what things would have been like had there been an EV Grieve in 1982-3-4, when places like Red Bar were popping up in the nabe and the locals were scratching their heads. You know, back when Rolling Rock was something special!
The hipster influx grates against we who are just trying to live an authentic life in an authentic (formerly authentic anyway) neighborhood not filled with beardos and foodies.
Bros love biscuits. Esp when they're drunk. The natives hate bros and bro culture, neither of which are a good fit with the EV. Hence the animosity to a biz that caters to bro culture, compounded by the ownwers' abuse of Kickstarter and their hipster/foodie pretensions. Capiche?
"Nearly every new business in this neighborhood gets scapegoated for not being a dusty old bodega."
Not sure then how you'd explain how places such as Tompkins Square Bagels, Otto's Tacos, Big Gay Ice Cream, Tacos Morelos, Davey's Ice Cream, Archie and Sons, El Diablito Taqueria, among others, have been generally so well-received around here.
Muzz! You're right! Everyone an make biscuits at home! 2 C all purpose flour 2 tsp sugar 2 tsp baking powder 1/2 tsp salt 1 1/2 C heavy cream Need into a smooth ball Cut into 3/4" circles Bake at 450 for 10 mins (America's Test Kitchen)
The so called "lines" outside Empire Biscuit are an urban myth created by design. Last Saturday morning I passed by there on the way to Tompkins Square Bagels. There were about 10 people outside waiting to get in, and inside it was full since theres so little free space for their customers in front of the store.
Meanwhile at TSB there was no line outside, but inside the line snaked all the way from the front door to the back seating area, and back again to the front counter, and there were about 30 people on line, plus all the tables were full, plus another dozen people were waiting for their orders.
By my count there were at least 3-4 times more people in TSB than at the Empire biscuit joint, the difference being that all of the ones waiting for bagels were inside nice and warm, not getting rained on, and not posting about their super awesome experience on Facebook and Twitter, since for most normal people, eating breakfast in the EV isn't something you share with the entire connected world, its something you just do.
I hate lines and therefore I'm forced to avoid tompkins square bagels. Heavenly Bagels on Houston gets my vote. Never a line and not a yelper in site, incidentally.
Ken is correct, mix in Bro with Hipster, you get the reaction on this blog. If the Bearded Biscuit Boys had just left the "Drunk" off their marketing, nobody would have given a major shit about them as they would have naturally expired about 6 months from now. BTW, I patronize TSB but try to go there before the lines form. Notice, they don’t need “Drunk” to be successful. To all the pro biscuit trolls on this blog, can you at least answer that, why have “Drunk”? You all seem to be avoiding answering that question.
Oh my god! How can you hate on biscuits? They're the best food ever. So round. So flaky. Why do you hate flour? And yeast? You're all so mean. I mean, biscuits. Why do you hate creative types? Isn't this the east village? Aren't you all artists? Jasper and Jacob are artists too! Biscuits are their art and each one is a masterpiece! A mouthwatering masterpiece! You're all so mean! So what if they torture ducks to make butter! It's good butter. I bet you all watch Duck Dynasty and love it! Yet you hate duck butter. And you hate biscuits. ... ... ... ... ... ... Sorry. I got a text. Why do you hate small shops? They need the room to make the biscuits! You're all rude haters. Why do you hate round things? Biscuits can't be square. Sorry haters. They just can't. The scotch tape eggs would fall off. And what's wrong with drunk? Drunk is awesome. I'm dunk now you gonna hat on me too? Good! I hope so cuz yur all mean haters. I'm going to stand outside biscuit now and state at the menu. It's my turn. My turn haters!!!
I grew up in NYC. I remember as a kid having the perception that certain storefronts just seemed to be jinxed or something. Some weird business would open, than close within in a year or so. Certain locations would have this repeated over and over again. So in the long term, these kinds of spaces, you'd walk by and think, so what sort of weirdness has manifested in this space today?.
Because I love to be a pedant, I feel compelled to point out that Empire Biscuit is not necessarily open 24 hours "now." They were open 24 hours today. And that's fucking fantastic and all, but let's see what tomorrow brings. And the upcoming holidays. And 5 a.m. during the first serious cold snap when even the drunks have headed home hours ago.
Wow it's cold out there. I hate the cold. I hate when I forget my lines for the reporters. And the password to my Instagram. I hate when I can't make it viral. Almost as much as you all hate biscuits. Know what's open 24/7? Your hate. Haters. Biscuits are good. Good! Just ask "BizkitLvR6969" on Yelp who gave Jasper and Jacob 5 stars! That's good! I'd give them ten but I can't figure out how.
With their Yelp reviews and publicity being a whitewash, this place is the one that should've been whited-out and the people lining-up outside water-sprinkled.
See! I told you these commenters are mean! The East Village is mean. And full of haters. Biscuits are the best. Go hate on Linzer Tarts. They're mean. Someone stole their baby. The poor Linzers. You probably hate them too! And their missing baby! Baby haters! What's wrong with you people? Jasper and Jacob make the best biscuits. That why people eat them off the floor. It's not because they fall out of the greasy envelopes. It's that people can't wait to eat delicious fresh biscuits so Jasper and Jacob just throw them on the floor. Like confetti at a party. Or rice at wedding. Or slop for hogs. The biscuits are floor worthy. But not worthy of your hate. You haters!
They won't be open 24 hours for long. The drunk kids in this neighborhood go for slices to soak up their pickle back shots. They're not gonna go for biscuits. The other 24 hour places in the neighborhood (7A and Odessa up until recently) have hardly any late night business. There's not a market for it. Especially for...biscuits???? Who has ever ennounced at 4 a.m. that we must have a biscuit? The answer? No one. Not enough fat and grease and cheese to appeal to the drunk squad. Also sounds too exotic for people from Wisconsin. They're not into "new" foods (except pickleback shots).
Biscuit groupie, lol, best troll attempt from a person that neither care or doesn't care about the situation... Best of luck, perhaps try your material on your mom, I hear she bites.
Who can sue Empire Biscuits for their shameless copying?
2:14AM, I agree with you. To further your point, what drunkard would be able to order something so complicated then wait 8 or 10 minutes for their food?
Another hater! Why do you hate trolls? They're cute and fuzzy and sit on pencils. What's wrong with you? You probably need a warm biscuit because you sound cranky and full of hate. You have 5 minutes to get to Empire Biscuit because they close again. They will reopen from Noon to noon 45. Then close until 3. Then open until 8. Then close again until drunk. Check the Snapchat for their business hours. Making biscuits is exhausting work haters. Bisquick, salt, eggs, water, stirring. I'm exhausted just writing about it. I better get there now before they close or I'll turn into a hyperglycemic hater like you!
I don't think these boys are for realz, yo. I think they're developing and pitching for a new reality series -- -CatBiscuits -Biscuitfish -Biscuit Dynasty -The Real Hipsters of the East Village -Trust Me - I’m A Biscuit Rep -Biscuit Stars -That['s] Incredible Biscuits! -Smile, You're on Biscuit Camera -World's Funniest Yelp Reviews -Punked Biscuits -In Search Of...Biscuits -Beard Whisperer -Clueless in the EV -BiscuitBusters -Who Wants to Marry a Biscuit Multimillionaire -For Love or Biscuits -Date My Lady -Biscuit Intervention -Queer Eye for the Biscuit Guy -Pimp My Biscuits -Biscuit Swap -Extreme Celebrity Biscuit Detox -Biscuit Flavor of Love -The Simple Biscuit Life -I'm a Biscuit Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! -Rock of Love: Biscuit Charm School -Internet's Bloopers and Practical Jokes -Beauty and the Beard -Keeping Up With The Biscuit Shenanigans -Biscuit Hoarders -East Village Got Talent -Total Biscuit Drama Island -Beards On The Run -America's Next Top Biscuits -Dancing With The Biscuit Stars -Ego Trips The Biscuit Rapper Show -The Next Hipster Iron Biscuit Chef -The Grin Project
Those, or it could just be a psych experiment from them college kids.
Ya'll need to get a life. It's nice that bashing this place gives ya'll so much joy, but why don't you get your face out of the gutter and TRY the biscuits before you bash the biscuits. And maybe, just MAYBE consider that the press that they're getting- you know, the good press that is indifferent to your pitiful blogger comments- has nothing to do with the two guys paying anybody to say it. There's no reason to bash small business owners. Everybody's just trying to get by. Oh, and the 'ladies' comments. Cute. But pretty ridiculous. Do you people read what you write before you post, or is this just good catharsis for all ya'll?
10:13, "face out of the gutter" -- what the hell are you even talking about? We're not the ones catering to drunks.
Despite your best attempts to sound Southern, any true Southerner would know how to correctly spell "y'all." Unless you were homeschooled. Probably, y'all!
When NYMag claims that Empire Biscuit has a "solid mob scene," I'm going to call bullshit. I live right across the street, I would know.
10:53- excuse me for my typos. Thanks for telling me that I don't live in the south.. but I do. I guess you'll just have to take my word for it, just like I'll take your word for it that you "live right across the street". I could easily call bullshit on that, but I won't, because that would be worthless and a waste of time.
It's not 'drunks' they are catering to- it's people who are drunk. There's a difference, and if you've taken a simple English class at one point in your life you'd know the importance of connotation and denotation. 'Drunks' has a derogatory connotation. Now, they are catering to people who are 'drunk' at late hours of the night and want a snack- hence the 24/7. Hence the breakfast.lunch.dinner.drunk. Their tagline isn't: lowlifes. businessmen. hipsters.drunks. Learn the difference. It's merely a cute way to show that they're open for all mealtimes.
It's nice to know that you call bullshit on the NYMag. Why don't you take it up with them? I'm sure they'd love to hear your input. Do you think the biscuit owners also bribed Chelsea Handler to mention them on her show? Seriously,do you honestly believe they had all this money just hanging around.
Yeah- get your head out of the gutter- Y'ALL. Or YA'LL. Or even yall without the freaking apostrophe. Because when you're from the south, it's not about the apostrophe, it's about the word. But maybe you wouldn't know that, because you apparently live in the East Village. So just trust me on this one, k?
Unless the South is exempt from the rules of spelling for some inexplicable reason, it's "y'all." Because it is a contraction of YOU ALL. Merriam-Webster, the general standard of spelling in this here United States, agrees with me. (BTW I didn't say you don't live in the South; I implied that you sound like one of those angry fundamentalist homeschooled hillbillys. I maintain this position.)
"It's not 'drunks' they are catering to- it's people who are drunk."
I think it's appropriate to discuss the south when talking about a Southern Style biscuit shop. I thought that was obvious but apparently it's not. Always glad to clarify.
11:13, To my knowledge EVG doesn't have a "Hall of Fame", but your comment would certainly be my nominee! I applaud your effort to distinguish between those poor souls who are not "drunks" but merely "drunk." "Drunks" is so demeaning, right? Although if "drunks" has a derogatory connotation, then perhaps it's appropriate use of the word. (Ever seen the EV on a Saturday night, know what I mean, LOL?) Also, I'm curious: Why are you here?
And we all know that “bless your heart” or “bless her heart” is Southern (my old boss was from Tennessee, DAR, etc.) for “go fuck yourself”. Touché Anony 11.33 AM and Anony 11.55 AM..
“Now, they are catering to people who are 'drunk' at late hours of the night and want a snack- hence the 24/7. Hence the breakfast.lunch.dinner.drunk. Their tagline isn't: lowlifes. businessmen. hipsters.drunks. Learn the difference. It's merely a cute way to show that they're open for all mealtimes.”
THIS is your defense of the biscuit ”Drunk” marketing? I do declare, I am coming down with a case of the vapors. Defense of Bro culture (why don’t you post at brobible.com?) is defending the indefensible. And you know your biscuit war is lost when a EV Grieve poster comments at the Minotaur 1 rocket tread “To boldly go where no biscuits have gone before “. Bless your heart.
Oh, all y'all have made my little old EV day, now, heah?? Especially you, Biscuit Groupie, bless your pointed little head. As the kids say, SRSLY. You crack me up. But I won't be buying none of them seven-dollar biscuits, you hear???
Oh my, this has really gotten out of hand. Just ignore this place and they'll close in 6 months like all the other places. Or they'll just apply for a liquor license and become a bar.
'Cause I have no life: I checked out the twitter post mentioned above by Big Brother. The one responder to the tweet has a blog.. on which she bitches about how long it takes to get from the UES to... Williamsburg on the L train.
Wait until she learns what a biscuit is! What's sad is all these people who stand online for Cronuts and such think that's what New York is about. Standing online for Groupon gimmicks. I almost feel bad for them. It's like that last scene in Casino when they implode the old casinos and the chub folks from the mid west pour in wearing fanny packs. That's them.
What? Now you hate Banana Cream Pie? What next? Kittens? Rainbows? Crazy haters! It's banana. And cream. And pie. What? My god! You haters are exhausting! Jasper and Jacob make so many things! So many random things. They don't lack focus. They see just fine! Haters! Why do you hate variety? I love their bubble gum biscuits. So awesome! You haven't lived until you've had fried chicken on an M&M biscuit. Leave Jasper and Jacob alone. Haters!
Empire Biscuit your kitchen fans in the back are SO loud. truly horrible and not very neighborly. You should have sorted this out BEFORE you went 24/7. you guys really suck.
It was 1am and I was blacked out drunk from too much free boxed wine at the art openings I had attended that night. I was trying to stumble my way home and this group of hoodlums surrounded me. I WAS SO SO SCARED! I knew this meant trouble. I tried to casually stroll towards the brightly lit, welcoming warmth of the 7-11 where I knew I would be safe. But just then a Citibike™ came whizzing into my path knocking me to the ground! OMG OMG OMG OMG!! The bicyclist just rode away and LEFT me there! He didn't even wait to exchange insurance info..sniff...so mean so very mean..omg omg... The gang circled around me and one of them, who had a tiara on and smudged lipsticks spoke. "Excuse me but I'm from the south and am in need of some homestyle country kitchen cookin'. Do you know of any nearby places OPEN 24 HOURS that could possibly satisfy my BISCUIT NEEDS?" she threatened nastily, her shadow looming over me like the death star on Astor Place. "W-Why yes!" I replied shakily. 'I am about 80% certain that EMPIRE BISCUITS is open 24 hours now...C-can I just GO HOME?" I sobbed. "WHOO HOO!!!" they all screamed taking flight towards the buscuiteria. "WHOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I got to my feet and raced home as fast as my legs could carry me. And not a minute too soon. If the BLISScuit shop had been closed who knows what horrors awaited me? I would have had to have gone on Yelp to find one that was open!!! EMIPRE BISCUITS SAVED MY LIFE! ...god bless you...empire...biscuits...sob...god bless.
Wiat-Do I have to go to Hoboken to get my free Fro-Yo? I will do it as i would do anything for low-fat sugar free chemical substances but my play is not ready for the public yet. I mean i didn't even get into what happened once I reached the 7-11 and tried to stick two hotdogs in one bun to stick it to the man! I am pretty sure Lorcan would allow this play to take place at Theatre 80 and also perform a marriage ceremony for us. Bring a pony please, it's high time I had one of my own to ride around the hood on.
Me and my friend were online in the bagel store Saturday and the Mom of biscuit store came in yelling and asked if she could take some bags for "My son owns the biscuit shop down the street."
I guess them boys didn't pay or have enough seed money to pay-off Sietsema to give them stellar review.
Also noticed that the Village Voice came out a list of top ten biscuits in NYC (and thank g-d Empire isn't one of them) right after someone made list here of where to find good biscuits.
My GF loves biscuits - I can take them or leave them - we tried Empire because of the hype and the news and in my humble opinion they were terrible. Also asked for butter biscuit as I'm a vegetarian, but the stomachache I had all afternoon tells me that they gave us the lard ones anyway. She agreed they were 'meh' and not worth the hype.
I'm all for small business and startups if they do something well, but was not impressed at all with EB and won't be back
91 comments:
::clutches pearls:: still can't wait to not try them.
Just in time for the drank-out after the finals, College Bowls, NFL playoffs, and Satan Con. Woo! Woo! Woo!
Do they think artists still live in the neighborhood and need some place to get food at night?
I feel for the people who live in this building and up and down Avenue A on the block. It could get noisy.
Hope all their friends are free to stand outside, ponder the menu and create buzz on such short notice.
yes, it's noisy. we call it Satan's furnace.
It's pretty funny how they're trying to be the next Magnolia Bakery.
I'm looking forward to the first health inspection results! And the puddles of vomit their beloved DRUNKS will leave on the floor. EV Heave, you still got your camera?
yikes... the new kid on the block isn't getting any love from the hood based on the previous comments here! lol
Consider this:
That space was empty for over a year. over 1000 sq feet.
maybe about 200 sq ft is devoted to retail/counter operation.
biscuit's kitchen is... massive.
So what is their master plan? the promise to their investors?
To have a wholesale operation?
Let it be clear: These premises are not zoned 'to make products to distribute city wide, and beyond'.
This neighborhood is not zoned for a 24 hour food factory.
Many people here have suggested Williamsburg would have been a better location for these, based on constituency.
Williamsburg would have also provided premises where there is no potential violation to zoning laws, should there be plans for such an extension.
Wow. Judgmental much?
I think the biscuits are great and the guys are very sweet.
The all hours stuff is going to happen whether they are there or not.
Live and let live people.
Really, 4:00am? The biscuits are great?
I'm glad for you that you didn't have the same experience as this guy a couple of days ago (http://www.yelp.com/biz/empire-biscuit-new-york):
"In short, the biscuits and the fried chicken were inedible. Most of our biscuits wound up in a city trashcan down the street.
"The biscuits had cardboard texture and disintegrated in our hands as we bit... making our mouths so dry it became difficult to swallow or have a conversation.
...I consider myself duty bound to report that the "spiced" fried chicken was disgusting. It was so dry that i could nearly crack the boneless breast in half. The exterior, more hockey puck than crispy, was so burnt that I felt as though I had licked the ash of a campfire."
But my favorite part of his review:
"It is utter gimmickry to seduce naive New Yorkers from areas other than "the South" into believing that these biscuits are worthy of any recognition (much less, consumption)."
The Empire (Buscuit) wears no clothes!
The guys who own Empire Biscuit are independent entrepreneurs running their own business. They make biscuits. They got some press. What's so revolting to all of you about that idea?
It's a store that sells biscuits. That's it.
There's nothing offensive about that. And whether there are biscuits for sale all night on Avenue A or not, drunk people are still going to act ridiculously at night. This was going on well before the biscuits were around.
Nearly every new business in this neighborhood gets scapegoated for not being a dusty old bodega.
you biscuit boys (and their ladies) just need to grin and beard the fact that you've been called out on your media bs and hot air. Someone crying because you boys were close and run out of biscuits? People eating the biscuits off the floor after someone dropped it? Pics or vids or they didn't happen. What's next, the biscuits are heavenly, literally, made by the gods and angels? Insulting, that's what you boys are.
I like biscuits as much as the next person, but I can make them at home (ahem, like mac and cheese!) That place was packed on Sunday morning when we walked by... yo.
Just wondering what things would have been like had there been an EV Grieve in 1982-3-4, when places like Red Bar were popping up in the nabe and the locals were scratching their heads. You know, back when Rolling Rock was something special!
I'm into anything that's open 24 hours. Maybe I'll give it a try at 5 AM one day, but only if the prices are decent!:)
The hipster influx grates against we who are just trying to live an authentic life in an authentic (formerly authentic anyway) neighborhood not filled with beardos and foodies.
Bros love biscuits. Esp when they're drunk. The natives hate bros and bro culture, neither of which are a good fit with the EV. Hence the animosity to a biz that caters to bro culture, compounded by the ownwers' abuse of Kickstarter and their hipster/foodie pretensions. Capiche?
@ anon 8:41 am
"Nearly every new business in this neighborhood gets scapegoated for not being a dusty old bodega."
Not sure then how you'd explain how places such as Tompkins Square Bagels, Otto's Tacos, Big Gay Ice Cream, Tacos Morelos, Davey's Ice Cream, Archie and Sons, El Diablito Taqueria, among others, have been generally so well-received around here.
If you look at the yelp reviews... of the people who have made 100 or more yelp posts... all but one gave them 3 or fewer stars.
Now if you look at the reviews from people with just a few posts... hmmm look at all the 4 or 5 star ratings.
Interesting, no?
Muzz! You're right!
Everyone an make biscuits at home!
2 C all purpose flour
2 tsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 C heavy cream
Need into a smooth ball
Cut into 3/4" circles
Bake at 450 for 10 mins
(America's Test Kitchen)
BT, not only that, 99% of those who give Empire Biscuit 5 stars have only ONE review to their names.. that being Empire Biscuit. SHAM!!
The so called "lines" outside Empire Biscuit are an urban myth created by design. Last Saturday morning I passed by there on the way to Tompkins Square Bagels. There were about 10 people outside waiting to get in, and inside it was full since theres so little free space for their customers in front of the store.
Meanwhile at TSB there was no line outside, but inside the line snaked all the way from the front door to the back seating area, and back again to the front counter, and there were about 30 people on line, plus all the tables were full, plus another dozen people were waiting for their orders.
By my count there were at least 3-4 times more people in TSB than at the Empire biscuit joint, the difference being that all of the ones waiting for bagels were inside nice and warm, not getting rained on, and not posting about their super awesome experience on Facebook and Twitter, since for most normal people, eating breakfast in the EV isn't something you share with the entire connected world, its something you just do.
I hating waiting in lines! I'm not going!
Wait, no lines? That place is SO over. I'm not going!
@ IzF- Thanks! I'll be waiting for your chicken recipe!
I hate lines and therefore I'm forced to avoid tompkins square bagels. Heavenly Bagels on Houston gets my vote. Never a line and not a yelper in site, incidentally.
Doesn't Yelp penalize businesses for getting their friends to post fake positive reviews? Or isn't their an algorithm that tracks such BS?
Ken is correct, mix in Bro with Hipster, you get the reaction on this blog. If the Bearded Biscuit Boys had just left the "Drunk" off their marketing, nobody would have given a major shit about them as they would have naturally expired about 6 months from now. BTW, I patronize TSB but try to go there before the lines form. Notice, they don’t need “Drunk” to be successful. To all the pro biscuit trolls on this blog, can you at least answer that, why have “Drunk”? You all seem to be avoiding answering that question.
Crazy Eddie don't expect anything deeper than an "OMG U guys R mean."
Oh my god! How can you hate on biscuits? They're the best food ever. So round. So flaky. Why do you hate flour? And yeast? You're all so mean. I mean, biscuits. Why do you hate creative types? Isn't this the east village? Aren't you all artists? Jasper and Jacob are artists too! Biscuits are their art and each one is a masterpiece! A mouthwatering masterpiece! You're all so mean! So what if they torture ducks to make butter! It's good butter. I bet you all watch Duck Dynasty and love it! Yet you hate duck butter. And you hate biscuits.
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Sorry. I got a text. Why do you hate small shops? They need the room to make the biscuits! You're all rude haters. Why do you hate round things? Biscuits can't be square. Sorry haters. They just can't. The scotch tape eggs would fall off. And what's wrong with drunk? Drunk is awesome. I'm dunk now you gonna hat on me too? Good! I hope so cuz yur all mean haters. I'm going to stand outside biscuit now and state at the menu. It's my turn. My turn haters!!!
I grew up in NYC. I remember as a kid having the perception that certain storefronts just seemed to be jinxed or something. Some weird business would open, than close within in a year or so. Certain locations would have this repeated over and over again. So in the long term, these kinds of spaces, you'd walk by and think, so what sort of weirdness has manifested in this space today?.
Because I love to be a pedant, I feel compelled to point out that Empire Biscuit is not necessarily open 24 hours "now." They were open 24 hours today. And that's fucking fantastic and all, but let's see what tomorrow brings. And the upcoming holidays. And 5 a.m. during the first serious cold snap when even the drunks have headed home hours ago.
oh sorry i got a text.
weird as in disjunctive
and essentially doomed.
OMG U guys R mean.
Wow it's cold out there. I hate the cold. I hate when I forget my lines for the reporters. And the password to my Instagram. I hate when I can't make it viral. Almost as much as you all hate biscuits. Know what's open 24/7? Your hate. Haters. Biscuits are good. Good! Just ask "BizkitLvR6969" on Yelp who gave Jasper and Jacob 5 stars! That's good! I'd give them ten but I can't figure out how.
One Pulitzer for Biscuit Groupie, please.
(Or maybe a $10 gift certificate to Empire Bisquick?)
OMG U guys R so mean.
With their Yelp reviews and publicity being a whitewash, this place is the one that should've been whited-out and the people lining-up outside water-sprinkled.
Biscuit Groupie for Congress!!!!
See! I told you these commenters are mean! The East Village is mean. And full of haters. Biscuits are the best. Go hate on Linzer Tarts. They're mean. Someone stole their baby. The poor Linzers. You probably hate them too! And their missing baby! Baby haters! What's wrong with you people? Jasper and Jacob make the best biscuits. That why people eat them off the floor. It's not because they fall out of the greasy envelopes. It's that people can't wait to eat delicious fresh biscuits so Jasper and Jacob just throw them on the floor. Like confetti at a party. Or rice at wedding. Or slop for hogs. The biscuits are floor worthy. But not worthy of your hate. You haters!
OMG U guys R 4 realz so mean.
They won't be open 24 hours for long. The drunk kids in this neighborhood go for slices to soak up their pickle back shots. They're not gonna go for biscuits. The other 24 hour places in the neighborhood (7A and Odessa up until recently) have hardly any late night business. There's not a market for it. Especially for...biscuits???? Who has ever ennounced at 4 a.m. that we must have a biscuit? The answer? No one. Not enough fat and grease and cheese to appeal to the drunk squad. Also sounds too exotic for people from Wisconsin. They're not into "new" foods (except pickleback shots).
Biscuit groupie, lol, best troll attempt from a person that neither care or doesn't care about the situation... Best of luck, perhaps try your material on your mom, I hear she bites.
Looks like they jacked their logo from this Basquiat, now proudly owned by Jay-Z
http://nypost.com/2013/11/20/jay-z-buys-basquiat-painting-for-4-5m/
Holy shit, 6:43AM! WOW!!!!
Who can sue Empire Biscuits for their shameless copying?
2:14AM, I agree with you. To further your point, what drunkard would be able to order something so complicated then wait 8 or 10 minutes for their food?
Another hater! Why do you hate trolls? They're cute and fuzzy and sit on pencils. What's wrong with you? You probably need a warm biscuit because you sound cranky and full of hate. You have 5 minutes to get to Empire Biscuit because they close again. They will reopen from Noon to noon 45. Then close until 3. Then open until 8. Then close again until drunk. Check the Snapchat for their business hours. Making biscuits is exhausting work haters. Bisquick, salt, eggs, water, stirring. I'm exhausted just writing about it. I better get there now before they close or I'll turn into a hyperglycemic hater like you!
I don't think these boys are for realz, yo. I think they're developing and pitching for a new reality series --
-CatBiscuits
-Biscuitfish
-Biscuit Dynasty
-The Real Hipsters of the East Village
-Trust Me - I’m A Biscuit Rep
-Biscuit Stars
-That['s] Incredible Biscuits!
-Smile, You're on Biscuit Camera
-World's Funniest Yelp Reviews
-Punked Biscuits
-In Search Of...Biscuits
-Beard Whisperer
-Clueless in the EV
-BiscuitBusters
-Who Wants to Marry a Biscuit Multimillionaire
-For Love or Biscuits
-Date My Lady
-Biscuit Intervention
-Queer Eye for the Biscuit Guy
-Pimp My Biscuits
-Biscuit Swap
-Extreme Celebrity Biscuit Detox
-Biscuit Flavor of Love
-The Simple Biscuit Life
-I'm a Biscuit Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!
-Rock of Love: Biscuit Charm School
-Internet's Bloopers and Practical Jokes
-Beauty and the Beard
-Keeping Up With The Biscuit Shenanigans
-Biscuit Hoarders
-East Village Got Talent
-Total Biscuit Drama Island
-Beards On The Run
-America's Next Top Biscuits
-Dancing With The Biscuit Stars
-Ego Trips The Biscuit Rapper Show
-The Next Hipster Iron Biscuit Chef
-The Grin Project
Those, or it could just be a psych experiment from them college kids.
Ya'll need to get a life.
It's nice that bashing this place gives ya'll so much joy, but why don't you get your face out of the gutter and TRY the biscuits before you bash the biscuits.
And maybe, just MAYBE consider that the press that they're getting- you know, the good press that is indifferent to your pitiful blogger comments- has nothing to do with the two guys paying anybody to say it. There's no reason to bash small business owners. Everybody's just trying to get by.
Oh, and the 'ladies' comments. Cute. But pretty ridiculous. Do you people read what you write before you post, or is this just good catharsis for all ya'll?
What an incredibiscuit list!
10:13, "face out of the gutter" -- what the hell are you even talking about? We're not the ones catering to drunks.
Despite your best attempts to sound Southern, any true Southerner would know how to correctly spell "y'all." Unless you were homeschooled. Probably, y'all!
When NYMag claims that Empire Biscuit has a "solid mob scene," I'm going to call bullshit. I live right across the street, I would know.
10:53- excuse me for my typos. Thanks for telling me that I don't live in the south.. but I do. I guess you'll just have to take my word for it, just like I'll take your word for it that you "live right across the street". I could easily call bullshit on that, but I won't, because that would be worthless and a waste of time.
It's not 'drunks' they are catering to- it's people who are drunk. There's a difference, and if you've taken a simple English class at one point in your life you'd know the importance of connotation and denotation. 'Drunks' has a derogatory connotation. Now, they are catering to people who are 'drunk' at late hours of the night and want a snack- hence the 24/7. Hence the breakfast.lunch.dinner.drunk. Their tagline isn't: lowlifes. businessmen. hipsters.drunks. Learn the difference. It's merely a cute way to show that they're open for all mealtimes.
It's nice to know that you call bullshit on the NYMag. Why don't you take it up with them? I'm sure they'd love to hear your input. Do you think the biscuit owners also bribed Chelsea Handler to mention them on her show? Seriously,do you honestly believe they had all this money just hanging around.
Yeah- get your head out of the gutter- Y'ALL. Or YA'LL. Or even yall without the freaking apostrophe. Because when you're from the south, it's not about the apostrophe, it's about the word. But maybe you wouldn't know that, because you apparently live in the East Village. So just trust me on this one, k?
11:13, aren't you late for class?
Unless the South is exempt from the rules of spelling for some inexplicable reason, it's "y'all." Because it is a contraction of YOU ALL. Merriam-Webster, the general standard of spelling in this here United States, agrees with me. (BTW I didn't say you don't live in the South; I implied that you sound like one of those angry fundamentalist homeschooled hillbillys. I maintain this position.)
"It's not 'drunks' they are catering to- it's people who are drunk."
Semantics.
"So just trust me on this one, k?"
Bless your heart.
The South lost the war. Keep your comments south of the Mason Obesity Line.
Semantics don't matter but typos do. Cute how you get to choose when grammar matters. Bless your heart.
I think it's appropriate to discuss the south when talking about a Southern Style biscuit shop.
I thought that was obvious but apparently it's not. Always glad to clarify.
Sorry Scarlett O'Horror but you're going to have to explain to me how semantics and grammar are interchangeable.
11:13, To my knowledge EVG doesn't have a "Hall of Fame", but your comment would certainly be my nominee! I applaud your effort to distinguish between those poor souls who are not "drunks" but merely "drunk." "Drunks" is so demeaning, right? Although if "drunks" has a derogatory connotation, then perhaps it's appropriate use of the word. (Ever seen the EV on a Saturday night, know what I mean, LOL?) Also, I'm curious: Why are you here?
Scarlett O'Horror ROTFLMFAO!
haha.. Was this story was linked from Drudge or something? This has officially turned into the EV Troll board. *grabs popcorn*
And we all know that “bless your heart” or “bless her heart” is Southern (my old boss was from Tennessee, DAR, etc.) for “go fuck yourself”. Touché Anony 11.33 AM and Anony 11.55 AM..
“Now, they are catering to people who are 'drunk' at late hours of the night and want a snack- hence the 24/7. Hence the breakfast.lunch.dinner.drunk. Their tagline isn't: lowlifes. businessmen. hipsters.drunks. Learn the difference. It's merely a cute way to show that they're open for all mealtimes.”
THIS is your defense of the biscuit ”Drunk” marketing? I do declare, I am coming down with a case of the vapors. Defense of Bro culture (why don’t you post at brobible.com?) is defending the indefensible. And you know your biscuit war is lost when a EV Grieve poster comments at the Minotaur 1 rocket tread “To boldly go where no biscuits have gone before “. Bless your heart.
"It's merely a cute way to show that they're open for all mealtimes.”
NO IT ISN'T. They said it THEMSELVES that they are open late for the people leaving the bars. Read before you type.
Oh, all y'all have made my little old EV day, now, heah?? Especially you, Biscuit Groupie, bless your pointed little head. As the kids say, SRSLY. You crack me up. But I won't be buying none of them seven-dollar biscuits, you hear???
Every so often, there's a blog topic that goes completely off the rails and this is by far my favorite.
And I agree with a poster above - there ought to be a comment hall of fame.
lulz
"they are open late for the people leaving the bars."
ALL CAPS! EMOTION! ALL CAPS!
Oh my, this has really gotten out of hand. Just ignore this place and they'll close in 6 months like all the other places. Or they'll just apply for a liquor license and become a bar.
Oh thank god! The Banana Cream Pie biscuits are now available! Bet it's delicious with the tortured duck butter!
Banana Cream Pie biscuit? Not a good pairing! How brave.
'Cause I have no life: I checked out the twitter post mentioned above by Big Brother. The one responder to the tweet has a blog.. on which she bitches about how long it takes to get from the UES to... Williamsburg on the L train.
Case closed.
You are correct. You have no life. Case closed.
The First Yelp Review of Empire's Banana Cream Pie biscuit:
"So dry... I feel like I'm going to choke. There's definitely not enough banana in the banana cream pie." -- Jacqueline Y. (One Star)
Next up; Korean Flambé BBQ Kosher Biscuits with Froyo on a Hoof
Wait until she learns what a biscuit is! What's sad is all these people who stand online for Cronuts and such think that's what New York is about. Standing online for Groupon gimmicks. I almost feel bad for them. It's like that last scene in Casino when they implode the old casinos and the chub folks from the mid west pour in wearing fanny packs. That's them.
What? Now you hate Banana Cream Pie? What next? Kittens? Rainbows? Crazy haters! It's banana. And cream. And pie. What? My god! You haters are exhausting! Jasper and Jacob make so many things! So many random things. They don't lack focus. They see just fine! Haters! Why do you hate variety? I love their bubble gum biscuits. So awesome! You haven't lived until you've had fried chicken on an M&M biscuit. Leave Jasper and Jacob alone. Haters!
Empire Biscuit your kitchen fans in the back are SO loud. truly horrible and not very neighborly. You should have sorted this out BEFORE you went 24/7.
you guys really suck.
is lardlove a euphemism?
Hmmm, 10:16.. could be. Yes, I can easily imagine duck butter as the chosen spank material for hipster foodies.
It was 1am and I was blacked out drunk from too much free boxed wine at the art openings I had attended that night. I was trying to stumble my way home and this group of hoodlums surrounded me. I WAS SO SO SCARED! I knew this meant trouble. I tried to casually stroll towards the brightly lit, welcoming warmth of the 7-11 where I knew I would be safe.
But just then a Citibike™ came whizzing into my path knocking me to the ground! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!
The bicyclist just rode away and LEFT me there! He didn't even wait to exchange insurance info..sniff...so mean so very mean..omg omg...
The gang circled around me and one of them, who had a tiara on and smudged lipsticks spoke.
"Excuse me but I'm from the south and am in need of some homestyle country kitchen cookin'. Do you know of any nearby places OPEN 24 HOURS that could possibly satisfy my BISCUIT NEEDS?" she threatened nastily, her shadow looming over me like the death star on Astor Place.
"W-Why yes!" I replied shakily. 'I am about 80% certain that EMPIRE BISCUITS is open 24 hours now...C-can I just GO HOME?" I sobbed.
"WHOO HOO!!!" they all screamed taking flight towards the buscuiteria. "WHOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
I got to my feet and raced home as fast as my legs could carry me. And not a minute too soon. If the BLISScuit shop had been closed who knows what horrors awaited me? I would have had to have gone on Yelp to find one that was open!!!
EMIPRE BISCUITS SAVED MY LIFE!
...god bless you...empire...biscuits...sob...god bless.
@ Eden
Oh my! Let's talk to Lorcan about staging this as a one-woman play at Theatre 80!
Despite some typos I am pretty proud of that comment written at 2am. I am going to leave comments like this on all your posts from now on.
LOL, Eden Bee, that would be hilarious!
The one-woman show is a great idea. Maybe it should get its own page on Kickstarter! You know, in homage of the biscuit boys!
I envision something grander though.. a whole cast of characters..
I could help design the set for this play.
How many merkins do you think I'd need to purchase for the beards of those waiting in the Bisquick line?
Eden, Hoboken Hoof will donate our storefront for you to put on your one woman show! Free fro-yo in a hoof for the first 10 people!
Eden, marry me?
You can have the bridesmaids wearing tiaras and we can have a 24-hour reception at Emmpire (extra m for marriage) Biscuits.
@Hoboken Hoof -"Free fro-yo in a hoof for the first 10 people!"
10 hooves = 2.5 cows/horses/goats/centaurs. What are you doing with the other two hooves?
Wiat-Do I have to go to Hoboken to get my free Fro-Yo? I will do it as i would do anything for low-fat sugar free chemical substances but my play is not ready for the public yet. I mean i didn't even get into what happened once I reached the 7-11 and tried to stick two hotdogs in one bun to stick it to the man!
I am pretty sure Lorcan would allow this play to take place at Theatre 80 and also perform a marriage ceremony for us. Bring a pony please, it's high time I had one of my own to ride around the hood on.
Can the bridesmaids wear Merkins?
@Cosmo We use them as tip jars!
Me and my friend were online in the bagel store Saturday and the Mom of biscuit store came in yelling and asked if she could take some bags for "My son owns the biscuit shop down the street."
I couldn't see what happened.
Oh my god. I don't even have it in me to mock the Biscuit Boys for the actions of Biscuit Mom ... that's just embarrassing, and sad.
:'(
surviving the Santa con visit will be the true test
Sietsema's 10 Worst Dishes of 2013...Oops.
I guess them boys didn't pay or have enough seed money to pay-off Sietsema to give them stellar review.
Also noticed that the Village Voice came out a list of top ten biscuits in NYC (and thank g-d Empire isn't one of them) right after someone made list here of where to find good biscuits.
Almost scared to pitch in - but here goes.
My GF loves biscuits - I can take them or leave them - we tried Empire because of the hype and the news and in my humble opinion they were terrible. Also asked for butter biscuit as I'm a vegetarian, but the stomachache I had all afternoon tells me that they gave us the lard ones anyway. She agreed they were 'meh' and not worth the hype.
I'm all for small business and startups if they do something well, but was not impressed at all with EB and won't be back
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