Wednesday, October 24, 2012

We'll always have Craigslist: 'Seeking third roommate that doesn't suck'

There is a listing on Craigslist with the heading "$1750 Seeking third roommate that doesn't suck (East Village)"

What constitutes a roommate who sucks? In this case, the people who placed the ad — "two cool guys from Michigan who went to school at the University of Michigan" — explain what went wrong with the third roommate, a woman who has agreed to move out.

And to the ad:

Here are some of the things we experienced in our first three months with her. Stop reading if you seriously might do one of the things listed below. Otherwise, take humor in our past suffering.

1) You own a non-spaded dog that gets dog period juice (that's right, I called it that) all over the apartment, and then you decide not to tell us about it until we find it is an epidemic of disgustingnesss. It was cleaned up by a maid.

2) You pull stuff out of the garbage and attempt to reuse it. In this case, the prior roommate removed a water bottle container that had been used to store urine during an emergency situation. Yes, our roommate drank from a plastic water-bottle filled with piss for seven days that she pulled out of the garbage. Fireworks followed. More can be told in person.

3) You attempt to fix a freezer frozen completely shut with a hammer. I can't make this shit up.

4) You let us know the day before rent is due that rent+utilities exceeds your budget during your first month living with us.

5) You regularly and randomly start crying during any serious conversation.

Oddly enough, we started regularly and randomly crying while reading this ad...

17 comments:

Uncle Waltie said...

I have to move. Maybe there's a room for me in Peoria. Oh wait a minute, I know somebody in Peoria.

Anonymous said...

1750 for a 3rd roomie... Must be a trendy gut Reno place with a couple of fratastic decorating choices..

Anonymous said...

Spaded? Really? University of Michigan? No wonder I hate your type.

glamma said...

This is like twelve yucks!!!

Anonymous said...

If you don't like dog period juice, move back to Michigan.

Anonymous said...

"One of us worked for a startup... while the other works for a large startup"

Can't wait for the next dotcom crash, so that these self-entitled hicks will go back to flat, boring, smallmindedville.

Utherben said...

It's menstrual blood, not "dog period juice" -- what are these guys, 12? Sheesh.

That being said, it's probably a good idea to get the dog spayed.

Anonymous said...

Atrocious grammar. Way to go University of Michigan, this kid lacks basic communication skills. He sounds even dumber than the average EV frat-tard. That is saying a lot.

BabyDave said...

So this is who watches college football games at Finnerty's.

Anonymous said...

This is def the dudes who live in the apartment above me. They sit on the fire escape and play crap Jack Johnson songs on their guitars. And think they are charming the entire east village with their singer/songwriting dreams. They play video games all day and night - the sound of constant gunfire through the floorboards is giving us PTSD. They are def paying at least that much for their crappy gut-reno apt in a six floor walk up.

And they would have needed to use a plastic bottle for an "emergency situation" After all the bathroom is 3 feet away and you are too drunk to walk there.

EastVillageGirl1986 said...

Holy crap. I'm randomly crying right now. Standards at my alma mater have have seriously declined. Spaded? Really?

What urine emergency requires pissing in a bottle? Real men piss in the sink.

Anonymous said...

How are they expecting to get a considerate roommate when ALL they did with their ad is bash their last one?
That's really gonna attract people in droves.

Marty Wombacher said...

@Uncle Waltie: I've got a spot for you on my futon! And there's only a couple of 7-Elevens here!

Anonymous said...

I am really considering doing some recon...

Joe Blow said...

"3) You attempt to fix a freezer frozen completely shut with a hammer. I can't make this shit up"

wait? what? you are not supposed to bang hammers on things that don't work?

bah! Hulk SMASH and things work fine!

Anonymous said...

How does a 5K a month apartment have a fridge that isn't self defrosting?

Uncle Waltie said...

Marty,
I'm saving this invitation to my I-Pad...don't disavow me when I do finally show up. Got lot's of idle time on my hands and feet and lips. Oh shit...just realized I don't have an I-Pad.