Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Noted



Via ComedyJuice:

Don't Let the Muggles Know! - w4mm - 30 (East Village)
Reply to: pers-941491075@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-02, 12:27AM EST


I am a lonely, beautiful woman living alone with my cat, Mrs. Norris. I work as a janitor. You will refer to me as Filch.
I need at least 5 men. You will arrive at my apartment. There will be a picture of a fat lady on the door, and you will tell her the pre-arranged password. You will be dressed based on your character. The characters I need are listed below.
Harry Potter: You must be barely legal, and arrive with your firebolt ready for the best game of quidditch you'll ever play.
Ron Weasley: You absolutely must have red hair and freckles. You must show up with firewhiskey.
Draco Malfoy: Blonde. Be able to cry on demand.
Remus Lupin: You will alternate between wolf and man. Howl, baby, howl!
Albus Dumbledore: You must be a proud gay man ready to penetrate every other man present You must have a beard and wear a wizard's hat and half-moon spectacles.
As you arrive, I shall chain you to the walls of my apartment, which I will have converted into a dungeon. Mrs. Norris shall excite you all into the most aroused state you've ever experienced (I've trained her well, so don't worry--if she fails to tickle your pickle, though, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve--engorgio, anyone?).
After I punish you all for being out after curfew, and take a few house points, Harry will escape, grab me around the waist, and begin sodomizing me. With each stroke, he will yell out one of the wrongs I have committed against him (example: "and THIS is for helping Umbridge"). After we've both come harder than Hagrid in heat, Ron and Draco will escape.
Ron will beat Draco with a broomstick I'll provide. Then, he will penetrate the Slytherin with the Cleansweep, who will, at this point, be crying about how his dad's in Azkaban.
Lupin will escape as he "transforms" into a wolf. He forgot his wolfsbane potion tonight! He will have his way with whatever his wolfy instincts demand!
I will then pleasure Ron. With my dirty squib mouth.
Finally, Dumbledore will escape and exact his right as Headmaster of Hogwarts.
Then, firewhiskey all around!
Who knows what else the night will bring...
---
Please send pictures, preferably in costume. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, and I've been haunted by this fantasy since PoA came out (the book, of course). Please please please help me to realize it!
Also, if you know any submissive small men, we might add a Dobby to the fun.

1 comment:

hntrnyc said...

Jesus, this is the funniest thing I have read in weeks. It also briefly allowed me to regain some faith that the city is not devoid of flavor.
Thanks for this one Grieve.