Thursday, October 1, 2009

That newish place that you finally went to


You finally figure you'll give that newish place not too far away a whirl. The crowd there always seems dubious, but you want to remain openminded. And supportive of places in the neighborhood. Plus, the owners seem nice. You go in. The bar area is blissfully free of people. You get a drink. The bartender says that you look "really tired." Long day? Not until now.

Within two minutes, seven people walk in. On the left are the two fellows from France who don't understand the concept of personal space and start gesturing wildly and throwing elbows and doing "Borat" impressions. Then there is the couple who are still in that makeout-in-public-and-snuggle phase of the relationship. You've seen their type before. They're the reason people started saying "get a room."

Then there are the two women with the really big baby stroller. The stroller is parked, putting an end to anyone thinking of sitting in those five seats in the corner that you were eyeing. This is the youngest infant that you've ever seen outside of a hospital. Look at the baby! Look at the baby! There are photos. The bartender takes 10 to 12 photos for the women with the flash on. You are blinded. Your glass is empty. Look at the baby! Look at the baby!

You hear the fellows on your left talk about a party later and the United Nations. They are flirting with the bartender. She is flirting back. On the right, the couple is squeezing together and taking pictures of themselves. You're in a few of the shots. Your glass is still empty. You ask for the check. Oh, you're leaving already? you're asked.

11 comments:

Jeremiah Moss said...

feeling cranky Griever?

Bowery Boogie said...

head to mars bar...

WB said...

Oooh, a blind item. I love these. Looking at the photograph for a clue...

EV Grieve said...

Beware of the red herrings, WB!

Anonymous said...

The bartender would have lost me at "really tired." Everyone knows you say "Bad day?" (or something similarly sympathetic) to the stressed-out looking. You can't make a person feel old and worn-out and then expect two bucks a drink. DUH

Puh-leeze tell us the bar, Grieve! Was it Destination???

esquared said...

Is this a note from the frontside (of Cooper Square Hotel)?

Were there a lot of men in pink shirts?

Amir Shaikh said...

superdive?

EV Grieve said...

Ha! No pink shirts....and no place really getting any publicity...

ak said...

ah, and i'm learning. i've said "really tired" before and i've probably also said "bad day". i'd prefer really tired because really tired is sleepy and bad day is upset/angry. besides, i'm always really tired. but whatever - i'm best case of worst bartender ever aka: foot-in-mouth-always. i just end it by making a comment that demeans me and walk away. ugh. whatever, i'm socially inept anyway.

L'Emmerdeur said...

I did warn you about the pink shirts, didn't I?

I'ma coming downtown on Saturday, I'ma gonna wear all my pink shirts, and a pink thong to match, and I'll carry a beer keg in one hand, and a megaphone in the other to announce to all of the residents how happy I am with all the positive developments in the area, the Starbucks and the Duane Reades and the condos and the Superdives and

*catches breath*

You lot will never sleep again. I swear this on the wounded pride of my circa-1998 Barney's pink dress shirt, which is my favorite of the all the pink shirts I own.

EV Grieve said...

@L'Emmerdeur

I promise that I'm retiring from the pink shirt commentary!

Moving on to, hmmmm, Wrangler jeans with dress shoes!