Monday, August 16, 2010

The community board-State Liquor Authority drinking game


To help pass the time during the dull stretches of community board/state liquor authority meetings... we started getting stupid(er), like, given the boozy topic, maybe we should create a drinking game to play ...

So! You have to do a shot every time an applicant says:

"I just want to be part of the community."

"I'm just a guy from the neighborhood."

Someone speaking against a proposed bar/restaurant says, "I like the concept, just not on this block."

Someone speaking against a proposed bar/restaurant uses any of the following words: fraternity, sorority, hell, zoo, spring break, Bourbon Street or woo woo.

The applicant wears a Bluetooth throughout his or her presentation.

Two shots if:

A priest speaks for the applicant.

The applicant's previous restaurant experience was working as a club DJ or promoter.

The applicant has 500 signatures in support, though only 3 of the residents actually live on the block in question.

The applicant says that his or her new place will be an upscale restaurant that will be open until 4 a.m.

The applicant says that the new place will be for the neighborhood, with entrees starting at $32.

They just want the license to pair wines with dessert.

The applicant's attorney says, "This is New York City -- it's supposed to be noisy."

Supporters of the applicant suggest that, if opponents don't like noise, they should move to, or move back to, [Ohio, Delaware, Schenectady, et al]

Three shots if:

The bar name is a nod to homeless people, welfare recipients, alcoholics or serial killers.

The applicant says that he or she is willing to work with the community, and to prove it, the restaurant/bar will close at 1 a.m. on Sundays.

The applicant uses the words "artisanal" or "gastro."

Four shots if:

The applicant uses the words "artisanal" and "gastro" together.

You're told dear old mom from the Old Country will be the chef.

The applicant says if he or she doesn't get approval, the space will likely become a chain store, bank or halfway house for pyromaniacs.

The applicant says that the restaurant will sponsor art classes for kids in the neighborhood.

Chug if:

The applicant gives each committee member an envelope with cash.*

The applicant promises to keep the spirit of the previous owner's establishment alive by having the now-deceased owner stuffed and mounted over the bar.

* We're not suggesting this has ever happened...

20 comments:

Jeremiah Moss said...

this is hilarious. nicely done!

Bowery Boogie said...

amazing. i'm already wasted.

Jill said...

Hehehehe

RyanAvenueA said...

There's just no way to get through this without alcohol poisoning! By the time we get to the third thing on the docket there's a chance that even I would be yelling woohoo.

Ken Mac said...

fantastic manifesto! You should print this up and hand it out...uh...somewhere...it's great

Lisa said...

Grieve, this is truly one of the funniest things I have read in years. You have it COMPLETELY pegged. Priceless. Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

Totally right on the money. This breaks down the whole charade of the process better than anything I've ever seen. Once again, Grieve nails it.

blue glass said...

was thinking of going to thursday's "planning session"
may do so with copies of this wonderful manifest
it would really be funny if it were not so true
good work

pinhead said...

Brilliant!

EV Grieve said...

Thanks everyone!

Goggla said...

Woo-hoo!

Box this up, sell it on Etsy, profit!

dmbream said...

Crying.

Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I have tried not to repeat previously stated beefs at so many of these meetings, but having just gotten home from tonights' - this is truly marvelous, brilliant, fantastic, priceless, pegs it right on the money, and deserves a toast: one hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer...

EV Grieve said...

Thanks, anon... did we miss anything exciting later during tonight's meeting?

Davide-NYC said...

Incredible.

I'd like to suggest one that you missed:

The applicant suggests that they need 4AM because they are targeting Bar/Restaurant employees that get off work late.

I hear that one at least once a meeting.

nina said...

dead on!

esquared said...

of course, the sla needs to approve the liquor license to play this game

EV Grieve said...

@esquared Ha, ha!

Hope that I'm No. 37 on the docket, so I get to make my case around 3:30 am.

justifiably cynical said...

How many shots do you get, if an applicant says:

Zip code 10003 has got the highest number of full liquor licenses in New York State, with at least 28 of these within 500 feet of my proposed location.
But I'm looking for another liquor license to help further the "public's interest"?

Angela said...

Hilarious!!! Also, if you guys are in the meeting until 4am... you'll need somewhere to go and unwind! obviously!