Friday, September 20, 2013

Gem Spa stunner: Zoltar now has Key Master competition; doomsday predicted

In a sad and shocking power play that has reverberated throughout the neighborhood, Zoltar now has a game-of-chance companion in the form of Key Blaster outside Gem Spa.

Stunned passersby were naturally stunned to see that Zoltar was no longer the only game in town, or at least here on Second Avenue at St. Mark's Place.

"This is like really fucked up and stuff," said EVG reader Jim, who asked that his first name not be used in association with this post mostly because he was swearing. "First, they put the Lottery thing [Play Center] next to Zoltar. Then there is the display of like those Kardashian mags Us Weekly and OK! Are they purposefully trying to take away business from Zoltar?"

As for Key Master, a so-called "prize merchandising game," contestants compete to win such prizes as Macy's Gift Cards, iPhones, iPods [Ed note: Do they still make these?] and iPod Minis [Ed note: Do they still make these?].

You may also win presumably real $100 bills [Ed note: Do they still make these?] ... which might be a bad idea to have on display considering what some roughnecks with skateboards have done here in the past...

In case you've never been on a cruise ship, here's how Key Master works: You use a joystick for horizontal movement and a large button for the vertical alignment. Then! You manipulate a "key" so that it lines up perfectly with a "lock" holding a prize. If you successfully guide the key into the lock, then you win the prize. (OK, I just totally lifted that from this fellow's blog.)

A tutorial. (God, whatever you do — turn down the volume!)

Takeaway: Key Master is dumb! Long live Zoltar!


Anonymous said...

GTFO, it cannot be a real iPad and iPod!! And Benjamins?

I predict Key Master's destruction and most contents stolen by Sunday night.

Anonymous said...

Y'know what? There's something wonderfully sideshow/midway-ish about this. I'm down.

Anonymous said...

I understand you are cranky about every slight change that happens in the neighborhood, but this is really a stretch. I've lived here 20 years and that Zoltar machine hasn't been around for very long.

EV Grieve said...

@ anon 4:38

I wasn't being serious.

Zoltar and SEGA Agree: Keymaster Is Rigged said...

As explained (obtusely) on pages 11-12 of the operations manual for Keymaster, Keymaster is really a "game of chance", not a "game of skill".

The payout rate is specifically determined by settings at the request of the business operating the machine. E.g., no winnings until 700 games have been played after the last win (one possible setting).

I would think that this is in direct violation of the no-gambling laws in NY.

Here's a link to the PDF of the manual:

Keymaster Maintenance Manual with Instructions on Altering the Payout Rate on pages 11-12

xootrman said...

EV, I love that you have readers who are willing to search through manuals to substantiate their comments.

EV Grieve said...


Ha! Agreed! That comment deserves its own post!

@Zoltar and SEGA Agree: Keymaster Is Rigged

Thank you new favorite commenter name!

xootrman said...

You misspelled my EV GRIEVE name. Your "new favorite commenter"

EV Grieve said...

@ xootrman

Blargh! I'm sorry for that!

Anonymous said...

Anyone who has played this thing, let us know. Or maybe you can ask Zoltar whether it's even worth it.