Friday, March 21, 2014

Plans for local blogger's first brick-and-mortar store — EXPOSED



On Monday, we noted that 35 First Ave. was now home to Farid's Middle Eastern Grill Food & Pizza.

Unfortunately, plans have surfaced showing the failed business concept for this property… and we are sharing them with you as well before you read about it somewhere else.


[Click on the image for the gory details]

Heh. OK, just joking, of course… this was the handiwork of EVG regular Pinhead.

Anyway, better than a bank, right?

Right?

Hello? Anyone?

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is this place going to be a stop on the April Fool's Pub Crawl?

THE NOTORIOUS L.I.B.E.R.A.T.I.O.N. said...

And you have a bike lane! When's the #RooftopRager?

EV Grieve said...

I don't know. Talking to Con Ed about renting one one the smokestacks at the power plant for a supreme #SmokestackRager.

First, though, I need to figure out how to have that ATM out front charge $20 for every $10 transaction!

pinhead said...

Can I bring my Zoltar here for repairs?

THE NOTORIOUS L.I.B.E.R.A.T.I.O.N. said...

Have you heard of Kickstarter? It's this great tool that allows you to electronically beg for money for things like biscuit shops or a beard loom for a Bushwick #artrager. Check it out!

Matt Rosen said...

Figured you'd have put that giant LED sign to good use...

"$5 BEER AND SHOT SPECIAL!!!"

Anonymous said...

I'd try it once. What's the big deal?

Gojira said...

Will you have a celebrity "WOO!" room? Where are the stanchions, velvet rope and linebacker-size bouncers? Ya gotta up the ante here, if you want to be taken seriously in the club world!

Chad M said...

Brillian mock up! The "Woo!" on the front of the awning is hilarious.

DrBOP said...

"Yeah....gimme 3 snow penises.....a couple of new constructs (WITH the complimentary closings).....and a Kita dog....to go.
Yep, I'll be paying with my EVG BOM card (EVG Bank of Manhattan)....and I'll take the "bike miles" bonus on the transaction."




pinhead......you 'da man!

DrGecko said...

You've ditched your trusty arrows? They were there when you needed them, but now that you've grown so high and mighty and made the transition to meatspace, you leave behind the cyberfriends who made your success possible?

Oh, the shame! And the shamelessness!

Ken from Ken's Kitchen said...

Please EV, no artisanal truffled popcorn on the bar!

EV Arrow said...

@ DrGecko

+1 I'm at a loss about the arrow snub.

nygrump said...

You need a pee phone out front.

Makeout said...

DOPE! Free wi-fi & some shittybikes. I'm totally not there. Nice work pinhead! Is it video time yet?

Dave - Everywhere said...

Will cronuts be served?

Goggla said...

Is there a slide???

THE NOTORIOUS L.I.B.E.R.A.T.I.O.N. said...

A slide! ROFL

Crazy Eddie said...

It needs a sign: “SantaCon Revelers are WELCOME here!”

Matt Rosen said...

@Crazy Eddie:

"All the Woo, NONE of the judgement!"

Giovanni said...

And in 25 years when it closes down it will be featured on Jeremiah's Vanishing New YorK with an article just like this:

Sunday, March 21, 2039
EV Grieve's Closes Forever
VANISHING

For over 25 years, EV Grieive's bright orange 24 Hour a day bar/foodie palace/mystery store has been a beloved neighborhood staple in the East Village/Midtown South. Now, a reader sends in word of a FOR LEASE sign in the window.

Originally conceived of as a joke by reader Pinhead, EV Grieve found a few investors on Kickstarter and launched the store to rave reviews and lines that stretched all the way through the Village. It became a favorite rest stop during SantaCon, earning raves about their Cronut-flavored artisinal biscuits and tourists slurping beer dripping from the indoor beer slide.

The secret to the success was the WOO Room and holiday-themed roof rages, which were only open to drunk students from NYU who could prove they were born outside of New York City.

In 2038, the Real Deal reported that EV Greve's was "hanging on by a thread," struggling to pay the $122,000 monthly rent. It looks like the thread has finally snapped, thanks to a combination of changing technology and the prospect of bigger rent from Mongolian millionaires who have recently flooded into the market.

"It's been a nice 25 years," said EV Grieve. He doesn't expect he'll be able to find any place in the city with affordable rent. Now he is looking at the new space colony on Mars where rent is cheaper due to the lack of both oxygen and people. "At least on Mars I won't have to worry about Ben Shaoul Jr, pushing me around anymore, and since Zoltar doesn't need any oxygen it should be perfect. At least we outlasted Chipotle. they disappeared years ago."

Another New York landmark, vanished.

THE NOTORIOUS L.I.B.E.R.A.T.I.O.N. said...

What flavors will the fro-yo / hooves come in?

Goggla said...

@Giovanni - you win today's mystery wheel prize!

THE NOTORIOUS L.I.B.E.R.A.T.I.O.N. said...

I believe the term is "Rooftop Rager" but you'll have to check with Eden.

And absolutely hysterical!

Anonymous said...

That is hilarious, Giovanni!

And just imagine what authentic hooves will cost by then. "I had to get dose hooves (pun alert!) dat fell offuva truck at JFK."

And what will JFK be called by then!

THE NOTORIOUS L.I.B.E.R.A.T.I.O.N. said...

@541 Midtown South of course!

Scooby said...

Wow - the usual suspects on this blog are all going overboard... Brilliant guys - keep the comments coming - Classic SHIT I tell ya!

EV Grieve said...

To the person whose comment I didn't approve just because.

Yes, if you must know, there were plans for a sidewalk cafe. And I DID have support for it — 7 signatures, 2 of which were from people who actually live nearby on 51st Street. (The rest were relatives.)

The beer and wine was only to pair with my slideshow of abandoned toilets on the curb. It wasn't going to be "another bar," as you suggested, it was going to be a bar that also had some other stuff in it that you normally wouldn't find in a bar.

And yes, I know. If I really wanted to open the store here I should have just bought the building.

Anonymous said...

Going out on a limb here...who will be mayor of NYC in 25 years... any thoughts?! (tee hee)

pinhead said...

@EV Grieve: If you don't like the criticism, open your store in Ohio.

Crazy Eddie said...

BTW, the 3, 4? (who the fxxx knows how many) NYU Bro/Hipsters* who live below me, they don’t shout Woo in unison, they shout out Whoa! The Woo is dead, long live the Whoa!
*A hybrid species. The worst of both. Why hipster? They play musical instruments. Very badly. Led Zeppelin and Talking Heads. I kid you not.